That sentence rolls off my toungue like I have been saying it all my life. And every time I say it, it becomes a little more real. So I am very choosey about when I allow those words to pass my lips - because I am afraid I will reach a point where I have said it so much that my heart will finally believe it and I will be a mess all over again.
I am not going to go into the details of why and how - and furthermore, for those who know me (and the story) well, I am not going to go into the reasons behind the deep sadness we all feel. But, there are posititves that have come from this - a fresh perspective, a scholarship, a ceasefire, and an end to suffering. But the negatives, those are what keep us up at night. Measuring a life in terms of accomplishments is satisfying, measuring a death in terms of things to be missed, is heartbreaking.
You can measure life in varying degrees of living, but you can't do that with death. You can't be barely dead or really dead, you are just dead - just gone. But the sadness of the loss is very much on a spectrum, and you can oscillate between the two extremes almost instantly and probably indefinietly. There are times when I can hardly breathe and there are times when I doubt reality - but everyday gets better - and so, I guess, as the sages in our lives tell us, only time can heal.
I couldn't bring myself to post picutres of her for a number of reasons, and I couldn't stand the thought of this post being exclusively sad, so I have made some cookies. I make these cookies at least once a week these days (maybe I am eating my feelings), and sometimes (embarassingly) more than once a day!! They are such a hit with the Billy and my boys (and whoever else I pawn them off on) so I thought I would post the recipe here.
The thing that people hope for is that that their loved one won't be forgotten. Right now, I still think of her every day, which sadly is much more than I thought about her when she was alive - but even I know there will be a day when I don't think of her. And slowly, over time, those days will come more often. So I thought a good way to ensure that she is on my mind enough is to rename these cookies after her - there is enough of a sweet tooth at this address to ensure her memory is fresh forever.
Happy Baking
KT's Crumbles - formerly crunchy jumbles
Ingredients:
1 Stick of Butter (we have recently made the switch to organic everything)
1 Cup of Sugar
(cream these together with a mixer)
1 Egg
3/4 TBSP of Good Vanilla
(mix egg and vanilla in with butter cream mixture)
1 1/4 Cup of Flour
1/2 tsp of Baking Soda
1/8 tsp of salt
(combine dry ingredients in a bowl and then sift in the mix)
Once combined well, add 1 Cup of milk chocolate chips, and 2 cups of rice crispies cereal.
Drop table spoonfuls onto cookie sheet and bake at 350 for 10 minutes or until barely golden brown.
and share!
